All I Want For Christmas


As the end of the year has grown closer, I’ve been thinking about the things I want to accomplish. I turned thirty this year, and there are a lot of places I’ve yet to visit. I’m afraid that while I’ll continue to slowly knock these places of my list, there are many which will remain undisturbed by the hand of me. So, the question is how to change this predicament, and the obvious answer is a wealthy benefactor.

The historical precedent is immense. Michelangelo, da Vinci, Shakespeare – all enjoyed the support of patrons, and look at what they accomplished. My knowledge on the subject, cobbled together from Western Civ lectures and a brief glance at Wikipedia, leads me to believe that I am the perfect candidate for such an arrangement. I won’t justify that statement here, but I’m happy to discuss it over dinner at the restaurant of my choosing.

What do you, wealthy benefactor, obtain from this relationship? Imagine the joy on Cosimo de’ Medici’s face when Donatello showed him the completed sculpture of David or when he strode beneath Brunelleschi’s dome at the Florence Cathedral. Surely you, patron, would feel the same pride and sense of accomplishment as you scroll through my Instagram feed looking at pictures of me with trevally in the Seychelles, salmon in Iceland, and taimen in Mongolia.

You see, this isn’t purely a selfless endeavor. While your friends are telling you about the new supercar they purchased or the fabulously expensive piece of art that now adorns their wood-paneled study, you would have the opportunity to regale them with tales of my exploits. Is a work by Picasso any more impressive than a 15lb bonefish wrestled from the mangroves after two desperate weeks of toil in the Bahamas? Surely not. I’m willing to go to these lengths, and I’ll send pictures.

So, to all of the fabulously wealthy readers of this fine publication, I humbly ask for your support. I believe I’ve found my calling, and it is to be a gentleman angler roaming the world in search of tarpon that weigh more than me and permit the size of truck tires. Have you ever wondered what sort of fly a manatee would eat? We can find an answer, you and me.

I think an auction format would be best to narrow down what is sure to be a formidable field of applicants. Submit your bids to, and I’ll be in touch. We can do great things together, wealthy benefactor. Well, I can do great things, and I’ll tell you all about them.


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