We are in the market to spread our wings and fly, but in order to do that we need to add some contributors in Florida and The Gulf. So if you are a fly person in the above geographic areas and you fancy yourself to be the next fly fishing Jack Kerouac or Ansel Adams third cousin twice removed let us know because we would love to talk to you or even better fish with you.
Now that bit of housekeeping is out-of-the-way, let us move onto our main subject of the day…old people…especially old fly fisherman. I had a couple of hours to kill the other day so Steve and I ran down to the local just stocked DH water. This river is notorious for swarms of old people reminiscent of an AARP meeting when they give out free soup. As we drove through the campground section we were not so shocked to find old guys at every major hole, none of which were fishing mind you, but they were adjusting their hand tied leaders and silk lines while looking quite dashing dressed like they stepped out of a 1950’s Orvis catalog. I saw one gentleman wrestling his waders on over his fat ass when we first got there, and I swear to you he was still trying to get them on when we drove back around half an hour later. I say all of this knowing full well the inevitability of time is looming for yours truly like everyone else, and one day I will be that wrinkled fat bastard that all the kids are making fun of as I try to once more figure out exactly how many layers I can fit under my tweeds, and still manage to squeeze into my adult diaper (incontinence is a bitch). Until that day arrives though I feel like some rules for fishing amongst the old should be established once and for all.
1. It is no longer poor etiquette to low hole a retiree. You are stronger than they are and therefore it is unlikely they are going to do anything about it…besides wave their fist and shout illegibly…which they were probably doing anyway.
2. It is now fair game to lure the elderly away from their fishing spot with old people stuff. I’m imagining a prune tied to end of a string here folks.
3. No more than one 80’s era Cadillac Deville, with Florida plates, will be allowed at any one parking area on the river.
4. The question, “So how wrinkly are your testicles?” is no longer off the table.
5. Any one over 60 that is caught saying the phrase, “Dry fly fishing is the only real way to fly fish,” will be forced to eat dinner at 9pm and not be allowed to go to sleep till 10pm, as a form of sleep deprivation torture. Also no middle of the night bathroom visits will be allowed.
6. Any old man vest weighing more than 20 pounds will be burned on the spot immediately.
Hopefully with these rules in place the river will be a much nicer place for everyone under 60 to fish.
PS: just joking around, I love old people…I even have a friend that’s old.